Asking too much of your writing

[vriddy]

I keep thinking of vague Dreamwidth entries and thoughts and not writing the posts because it's half-baked, or maybe it's a fluke and I should wait to see, or maybe I feel like it's too easy to misunderstand...

...but I also know I'm going to regret not recording enough of what's going on in my head and in my writing at the moment because I find these entries valuable to re-read in the future. So, I guess a disclaimer: this is how I'm processing a number of things, and I know there are people in my circles who will vehemently disagree with the perspective I'm taking, which is absolutely all right!! Just don't yell at me haha. I'm not saying everyone should think that way, or that it's the right way to go, or that anyone who thinks differently is wrong. This is just how I'm trying to approach things, personally, with my brain make-up XD

When I was in the midst of the suck, wondering if I was moving on from writing and kind of not being as horrified by the thought as usual (<- often it's the lack of reaction that's scary to me) I ended up listening to a Writing Excuses podcast episode from last year on "Navigating speedbumps" which seemed relevant. Now, "speedbumps" might seem like a jolly little stumble, but the hosts talk about pretty serious matters. The transcript is on that page (and actually links back to wetranscripts on Dreamwidth, I didn't realise the comm was official :D) but it's not really the content itself that I found meaningful. For me, listening to the hosts trying to talk objectively about the topic except that sometimes their voice broke, or shook, just made me feel human and connected in unexpected ways. We all want to write, even the serious successful people with contracts. Sometimes, life gets in the way and leaves us shaken. This is life, for everyone.

Having said that, "try to change your environment" is a piece of actionable advice I did take from it. The computer where I write is also the one where I check the news, and for a while I felt very untethered and just being at the same machine had my stomach sinking. Writing on the tablet, early, without Internet or email/news access helped my focus a lot.

Along a different line, a number of years ago I read Elizabeth Gilbert's book "Big Magic" in which she says something like "don't ask too much of your writing; don't ask it to also pay the bills" or something along these lines (I'm probably due a re-read!). This is a thought that stuck with me because I agree I probably wouldn't have a good time with writing if my ability to feed myself depended on it, and at the same time, it goes so against the wisdom of current times which is to make your passion your job, or monetise anything you might be half-good at. While I was wondering "Why do I write? Why do I want to write? Do I want to keep writing?" I ended up returning to this question a lot. What do I ask of my writing? I've often said that writing is like therapy to me, in some stories more so than others. Writing contributes to my mental wellbeing a lot, and I was really missing it for that. Why do I edit, then? Do I even need to? Well, I do take some pride in re-reading something that flows smoothly enough to at least not distract from the heart of the story, so there's that as well. I guess I ask of my writing to give me a bit of pride about completing things and doing it okay enough. So why do I post then? I guess to find community.

And that's all a lot to think about when writing. Therapy, and something good enough to take pride in, and then something that appeals enough to help me connect with people.

So when I started writing again, on the tablet, I ditched everything except for the first one. Writing makes me feel good, and I really needed something to keep me afloat while handling big changes at a personal and state-of-the-world level. And that was fine. After a while though, once I had half a dozen unedited stories, I started getting itchy with number 2 above. A bit of pride, so that I can at least enjoy a pleasant re-read for myself... So I started editing again, but without making it into a huge thing like it has unfortunately become for the novels. I'm... keeping that aside for now. (I will get back to them! Just looking for more stability in my process again, first.)

Community though, I don't think it's reasonable to ask my stories to provide me with that. I'm happy to continue to post and archive, and people who take a moment to read and enjoy and let me know about it in a comment delight me, but I'm accepting that I won't find my people this way. I know I used to make friends via AO3 comments but I suspect that was lucky timing because of the lockdowns and people just really wanting to talk to others. And of course, likely thanks to writing for an incredibly popular fandom at the time as well. The fact is, if I want to find community for the fandoms and ships and characters that I like, I shouldn't write stories and post them, I should also/instead hang out more on Xitter, Bluesky, maybe Tumblr, probably Discord. I'm a tiny bit on the latter still but I just can't keep up, even with the now quiet BNHA servers. Synchronous conversation is rarely getting me at my best, lately.

So anyway. I'm asking my writing to help keep me and my mental health grounded, and I would like to be able to be a little bit proud of it too. But I'm not asking it to give me community anymore. For that, I have things like Dreamwidth and y'all and maybe future new friends lurking :D Compartmentalising this way makes more sense, at least for me right now. Not having to think "and do ye want friends with that??" while I'm stringing my silly words into silly tropes with my beloved silly characters is just less pressure.

So far for the last few weeks, writing seems to be going well: writing short hurt/comfort one-shots in BNHA, which is a fandom I'm clearly very comfortable with, often with my comfort ship of the last 5 years, but not only them, just seems to be turning into its own momentum and that's great. I'm also recalling that apocryphal story about the pottery master who separated a class into two groups: one group of students to spend the time creating one perfect, flawless pot and be graded on quality, and the second group to create as many pots as possible and be graded only on quantity. In the end, the story tells us, the most beautiful pots were also made by the second group. Practice makes perfect, or something. This kind of mindset also gives me comfort!

Comments

[lassarina]

I think it's really important to know what we're looking for from writing. I forget if I've told you, specifically, this before (I know I've mentioned it in other DW comments), but my book club at the library had Seanan McGuire as a guest, and someone asked her for her advice about publishing. She said, basically, only go for publishing if you really really need that tradpub thing; otherwise write fanfic, you'll be happier. And that has really stuck with me. Even for my original fiction, I mostly want people I love and respect to tell me they liked it, so that has shifted both my expectations for myself and the way I feel about my writing (it's made me a lot less neurotic. god bless two cakes.)

Here's to treating our writing as a thing that's good for us. ♥

[chocochipbiscuit]

She said, basically, only go for publishing if you really really need that tradpub thing; otherwise write fanfic, you'll be happier.

LMAO I'm dying because that's legitimately what I've come to as well. I've sold two erotica short stories and listened to a lot of publishing advice, but came to the conclusion that my day job pays my bills and I would rather keep writing as a fun hobby.

Here's to all the cake!

[vriddy]

I'm still unsure what I'll end up doing with my original writing (definitely not tradpub, but sometimes I toy with the idea of self-pubbing and selling all of 5 copies someday... but I'm not sure if my brain will get weird about it, so I don't really make plans, and I haven't written anything good enough yet anyway so it's mostly pies in the sky!). I'm really glad you thought through all these questions and got yourself into a good place mentally and otherwise! So important.

Here's to treating our writing as a thing that's good for us. ♥

Hear, hear!! :D <333

[ldybastet]

Ooooh, tis was really interesting! I often struggle with writing as well, sometimes in similar ways and often in completely my own kind of ways. LOL But reading this, it makes me think, yeah, what am I asking of my writing, what is it that I want it do for me. Therapy yeah, exploring emotions and ... stuff. Tell the story that is lodged in my head and doesn't want to leave me alone (much less frequently these days)... Joy, absolutely.

Food for thought. :) Thanks!

[vriddy]

I'm glad you found the questions interesting! I think maybe, for writing struggles/writing blocks, there's common themes for everyone, and then there's also every writer's very personal neurosis coming into it that needs to be personally untangled XD It took me several weeks of turning the questions in my head before I found answers that resonated true. I imagine that'll change and evolve over time as well, and will be worth revisiting! Therapeutic and joyful sounds like the good stuff :)

Happy thinking (and writing XD)!

[sisterdivinium]

I think a certain sense of community can sometimes (if infrequently) come from sharing stories but it cannot really be the bedrock of the whole thing -- otherwise I think we'd lose the part of the process that's connected to fun because we'd end up conditioning our words to please that community (instead of ourselves) whether we realised it or not. Sometimes a fic can reel someone new in -- someone who shares our beloved ship, someone who appreciates our style, whatever -- but I think the actual building and maintaining of relationships between fans goes beyond that. So, yeah, I agree with the idea that we can't really expect fic to give us that. It's maybe natural for us to hope it might (who doesn't want friends with whom to talk about stuff we love?) but to expect that... Idk, having expectations can be very hard on us. They're almost never met and that breeds frustration.

I will say, though, that going after community by other means is another monster in itself in my experience. There are so many places where fandoms convene nowadays and they each have their own etiquette (and, yes, their expectations!) that it can also lead to a lot of frustration. People who manage to be on all of those services at the same time astound me, tbh! Me, I have my limited number of usual haunts. I meet a lot less people but the ones that pop up have been like hitting the jackpot. IIRC, I think most of them showed up because of some fic or other I had written but the most developed of those friendships certainly did not remain in the AO3 comment section only. If it's of any relevance, though, I don't think I've ever written for them or with any thought to finding them -- it was chance. The same chance that I might have stumbled upon them when reblogging something of theirs on Tumblr with a nice comment added in the tags (in fact, that recently led to a wonderful conversation with a new friend!)

So I'd say you have your priorities right. Create the thing that speaks to you in the way that it does, even if it's just something "silly" made only to bring you some glimmer of joy. That IS the whole point. Maybe it'll catch someone else's eye and maybe it won't, but if you get that little piece of happiness and satisfaction, that's what matters. Everyone else... Maybe someone will speak up because of the story, sure. Or maybe a lurker who doesn't even read fic all that much will come say hi because of a post like this one. We never really know :)

[vriddy]

I think a certain sense of community can sometimes (if infrequently) come from sharing stories but it cannot really be the bedrock of the whole thing

Yeah, I've had that before with a lil' group of awesome people-friends (who all drifted away later) and while I'm grateful and joyful to have had this experience, it's made it difficult to give up on the hope and yearning of recreating it again in some ways. But the worldwide lockdowns were just a different kind of time to brew that kind of community.

I probably also don't have the right kind of personality for hope not to get all tangled into expectations at some point so it's better to just step back from even thinking about it (not close doors completely! But not stand next to it either XD I do leave comments open).

I will say, though, that going after community by other means is another monster in itself in my experience.

Definitely. I was re-reading the first couple of years of my journal recently, including some of the locked entries I shared with you before, and I spent so much time basically trying to make myself fit into the shape those spaces require and I cannot.

I'm really, really happy for you that you hit the jackpot though!! :D :D May these friendships last for a very long time!

[lizardjay]

I'm curious to know what part of this you think people will disagree with, bc it all sounds like a reasonable approach to me! Though I wouldn't have really thought of it this directly on my own. Why do I create? ..... I'll have to think more on that :D and I've opened that transcript in a new tab to get to this evening.

(.... semi-off topic, your note on community has reminded me that I just caught up with the Wind Breaker manga yesterday, and the anime comes back in two weeks? So if you want to talk about that hit me up! Maybe I'll make weekly episode posts???)

[vriddy]

I'll do my best to try to explain but if it sounds unreasonable, please consider it a failure of my words and not a failure of these people :D I think for some fans, especially the ones used to fandom like it was like pre-"modern" social media when it was smaller and more underground, there's an understanding that "fandom" is by default and by definition a "community". If someone takes the time and makes the effort to build something for your fandom, for your community, keeping it alive and going, at a minimum "thank you" or "well done" would be expected. Kind of like a potluck, if someone brings a gratin with a ton of heavy cheese and that's not really your thing, you can still give them a nod or a thumbs up. (I do want to stress it isn't about fawning or the length/quality of comments. Just, more like an acknowledgement that we're all playing in and enjoying the same mudpit together here.) So not expecting "community"/not even a community acknowledgement wouldn't be a reasonable expectations, and probably letting people completely off the hook is contributing to the decline of manners/fracturing of community.

Like, obviously I care about community a lot, yearn for what I know it can be, and that's the reason I was also hoping to get it thanks to my writing, for a while! But for me, I guess because it's so out of my control, it's not reasonable to expect to get it that way. (I know how to get it, probably search actively again for active Discord servers and take all the bad again together with the good! I cannot, haha.)

Anyhoo, I'm glad you found the question interesting to reflect on as well! In this post it might sound like a quick question -> here we go answer, but I started thinking about it in January and it probably took me 2 months until I landed on the set of answers that resonated right for me XD



And omg Wind Breaker!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I knew the second season was coming soon but I didn't realise it would be so soon already!!! :D :D *jumps around* Hell yeah I'm up for reaction posts and shared excitement and also I do read the manga but volumes only (just bought 21!). Though I probably forgot a lot of the details of the next anime arc now XD I'm so excited. Everything was so pretty and fluid in the first season, it's gonna be so cooool :D For a while I toyed with the idea of creating a Wind Breaker comm here but I don't want to read the manga weekly (I actually don't enjoy that format much) and so I wouldn't know what to do about spoilers. Delighted you've been having such a good time with the series too :D \o/ \o/ Looking forward to season 2!!!

[chocochipbiscuit]

Writing on the tablet, early, without Internet or email/news access helped my focus a lot.

Same, though I like using a physical Mead notebook! Something about being forced to slow down a little (I write by hand much more slowly than I type) without being able to delete makes me approach writing in a different way. And writing may not be therapy, but it's sure therapeutic!

I'm nodding along with everything because writing, even if I don't share it, it's tremendously valuable to me. So I've also wondered "why post?" I don't think I've found "community" through writing, but I have been fortunate enough to grow acquainted with people who resonated with the work and we've grown into friendships, or we've met via a specific fandom writing activity (exchange, server, etc) and it blossomed.

(I've also had very negative fandom experiences that made me have to step back from writing, and untangling my own relationship with writing vs relationship with fandom and other friends.)

I'm glad it sounds like you're on a good place with your relationship to your writing. May it continue to be good for all of us!

[vriddy]

I had to look what the Mead notebook is but it's just a brand for regular notebooks, is that right? I wasn't sure if it was something like the fancy Rocketbook or something! That does seem great for really, truly being cut off from notifications and creating a different environment specific to writing.

I probably should have abbreviated to "therapeutic" rather than just therapy yeah, that is more correct XD Just, good stuff for the soul and figuring things out!

I have been fortunate enough to grow acquainted with people who resonated with the work and we've grown into friendships

For a while, in my fandom I had a group of 4-5 friends all into the same fandom and ships, who found each other through our writing. It was glorious. We egged and goaded and cheered each other, wrote works inspired by each other's stories, supported each other, and it was such, such a good time. When the world started reopening, everybody drifted off or moved fandom and I've been yearning so much for the magic to happen again ever since haha. But that's not reasonable and I can't expect that when I'm writing. I guess this happened in part because of the lockdowns so maybe the takeaway here is that I can only make such friends when they have literally nowhere else to go... Kidnapping time? XD 🤔 Haha. I'm really glad you were able to find your people! And very sorry that some experiences were negative enough to impact your writing as well :( I suppose we can't take the good without the bad, but that does suck... Glad you're in a better place now!! Happy writing to us all :D \o/

[hoarmurath]

This is such a good post and something I really needed. I am struggling with creative writing for a project that is voluntary but people have paid to participate and yeah...maybe I am asking too much.

[vriddy]

I'm happy this post found you at a relevant time! The question is not as easy as it first seems, there can be layers that take time to unpeel/admit. For me, even stuff like deadlines can mess me up and so participating in exchanges and events was a difficult balance to find! (And also why I'm not participating in anything like that at the moment, haha) I hope you find the right/helpful answers for you. Good luck with the project and with everything else! <3

[corvidology]

I have a mate who is a brilliant print maker - she hand carves the printing blocks - and a marine biologist. These are her two loves and she sat down and thought about it and realised there were no 'gentleman scientists' anymore so pursued science as her work and print making as her art/joy.

That's the long way round of saying I think it's important to take a beat and think about the *why* as well as the *how.*

[vriddy]

Gentlemen scientists sounds so good though...! Too bad, but yeah, and so much better to go into these decisions with open eyes after having thought through things carefully. It's easy to forget the "why"! And I think maybe that can change and evolve over time, too, so it's worth the occasional revisiting too.

[yourlibrarian]

...but I also know I'm going to regret not recording enough of what's going on in my head and in my writing at the moment because I find these entries valuable to re-read in the future.

I don't have the same writing issues because I'm not writing fiction, but having gone through all my old posts via the MMM challenge, I have to say I'm glad I made those posts because they've captured a number of things about my own life and the time I was living through.

[vriddy]

Yeah! I've been re-reading my first couple of years worth of posts here and it's interesting to have the perspective from these times and also to be able to look at the trajectory from a higher level thanks to the distance. I wasn't writing "about fandom", I was actually writing about my journey discovering the current landscape of fandom and trying to make myself fit into it... and eventually miserably failing haha. And then of course, slowly learning to write longer projects :)

[yelp]

I enjoyed the question "what do I ask of my writing?" and I enjoyed reading through your musings on them. I relate to a lot of those reasons. For editing, lately I think of it similar to the image of pottery making that you mention at the end: the satisfying process of smoothing out the prose and carefully reshaping something closer to the ideal in your mind. I find that careful iteration satisfying in its own right. And like you, I like having something polished I can enjoy rereading in the future when I've forgotten about it!

I do feel like AO3 isn't a great platform for making friends. I feel most readers don't see writers as regular people to connect with. But I still find it a good source of some kind of social connection. Knowing that other people have read what I wrote feels good and validating, even if doesn't become more than that.

Btw, I really relate to the need to change your writing environment. Especially after everything became WFH, I started to heavily associate my computer desk with the stress of work. I can't imagine writing on a tablet though!! Unless you have an external keyboard?? Please teach me your ways!

It's really cool how in answering these questions, you were able to find the joy in your writing and editing again. Thanks for sharing!

[vriddy]

I'm glad you found the question and my answers interesting to read and reflect on, too! :D I suspect I'm still trying to find out my answers around "editing". Just first drafts aren't satisfying enough for me, and I like the pottery image you offered! Very mentally satisfying. But longer projects have become such a huge, ominous, looming barrier with months of doing nothing but editing that it's become a blocker starting on the writing at all in some cases... I'm still poking around here to try to figure out my answers, mindset changes, and just hopefully give myself again the ability to be more chill about things, haha.

I do feel like AO3 isn't a great platform for making friends. I feel most readers don't see writers as regular people to connect with.

Yeah, AO3 is an archive, and the "influencer" way of looking at the world is kind of permeating all of the interactions in this kind of space, which is unfortunate. Miss the whole "we're all equal gremlins being silly about our beloved characters" mindset but at the same time, I suppose there were always BNFs and implied hierarchies. It just feels more ubiquitous now! I do feel thankful for anyone taking the time to tell me my story resonated or they enjoyed it, though :) <3 Just can't count on it or it leading to anything more, even if it is/would be nice.

I am MOST DEFINITELY using a keyboard with the tablet haha. It's a flimsy little bluetooth keyboard and the fact that it looks like it could break if I typed too ferociously contributes to the good feeling of "none of this is too serious, you definitely should be having fun with this" :D <3

Thank you for the good wishes and kind words, and your thoughtful reply which I also enjoyed reading! :D

[annofowlshire]

After a few years as a working writer (video games), I've found it hard not to think of my stories as "paying the bills" now; that is, I find it hard to prioritize my writing for the sheer joy of it because it takes away time and energy from other parts of my life. It was much easier to justify when I got paid for it!

It's something I'm still working on: do I be happy with not writing because I don't have a writing job? Or do I need to figure out how to write for the joy again?

What am I asking of my writing? I don't know anymore. I still want to be a tradpub novelist but at the same time I spent decades on that and didn't get anywhere, and it's hard to keep justifying the time and effort involved. I'm not even sure I want to go back to video games, being paid was nice, but there were pitfalls in that industry, too.

As for journaling as a record but being concerned about it being half-baked or fluke or whatever--when I find that happening for me, I just make private posts for a while. I still get the record for me, but I don't feel like it has to be presentable for other people.

[vriddy]

Right, would you call it replacing intrinsic motivation/joy with extrinsic/money? At a busy time of life when it's hard to carve time for oneself at all though, maybe not having the time to write can't be avoided... Not the same stage of life but I was recently talking to the mom of a 1yo who used to make beautiful, lovely art since forever, it was a career too before she moved to something more corporate, and she told me "I don't know if I'll ever make art again. I don't think I want to. I'm not even sure if I ever liked it or just pursued it because people told me I was good at it" and it broke my heart a little. I'm kind of hoping it's just dormant while she's living such an incredibly busy time of life that even if she wanted to art, there's no way she would have the time or energy for it right now. But maybe it'll come back later when there's space for it in her life? I dunno!! These are hard questions and I hope you find good answers that work well for you.

I was wondering if getting paid for it gave you even better insights into what kind of writing sells well, but I suppose novels and game writing are very different beasts! It's cool you had that experience, even if it wasn't all rosy.

I do journal about writing in my paper journal occasionally, but it doesn't feel the same haha... I think I'm just used to people reflecting with me, saying "I feel the same" or "have you considering this, that...?" and it building into a bigger or different-but-interesting conversation together thanks to the thoughtful people in my circles. But I did paper journal more about writing when even Dreamwidth felt too overwhelming. Thank you for the tips as well! Best of luck to you too/us all, haha :)

[scytale]

I've been coming back to this post a lot and thinking about it a lot, finally trying to put my thoughts into words! It's cool to hear about your tablet writing (and with keyboard it sounds like! omg, I didn't really put together that Bluetooth keyboards could be used with other things... I might have to investigate). It's interesting to hear about how that change in format has been helping!

"Why do I write? Why do I want to write? Do I want to keep writing?"

These questions resonate a lot, especially the "why do I write?". I feel like even at the best of times and when I'm feeling really enthusiastic about writing, it's kind of hard for me to pin it down with an answer. I do think if I break it down, I feel better when I'm writing, I explore questions I'm interested in, and I take pleasure in experimenting and in refining prose. Sometimes I learn things about myself. I like the way my writing ends up being a capsule of time and also what I'm interested in at a given time.

I know I used to make friends via AO3 comments but I suspect that was lucky timing because of the lockdowns and people just really wanting to talk to others.

I think I've only managed to make one via AO3 comments, and that was during the pandemic as well, and we ended up continuing talking on Dreamwidth. I wonder if that also made it easier to make a connection, in that we were already doing story analysis in the comments with lots of paragraphs and then we just jumped to doing that in DW. xD (Certainly the fact that we both wanted to overanalyze fiction helped... it gave us something to talk about!)

I have made friends through ships (and there is that fun "ohh, this is your AO3 account? here's mine, let's swap" where we maybe read through each other's fic and hopefully like it xD), but mostly what's sustained fandom friendships for me has been being interested in each other and our experiences. And I think I definitely prefer that to a friendship based on being interested in each other's writing.

Your h/c one-shots are so inspiring!! I hope you are having as much fun and creative energy as you seem to be, because it's genuinely been inspirational to watch.

<3 <3 <3

[vriddy]

Bluetooth is a very handy technology XD I think the tablet just feels "quieter" because I haven't set up email or Discord or anything with notifications in there. And also I can't switch as easily to another tab with a distraction, or something. Keyboard works for typing but the keyboard shortcuts I'm used to don't XD

I'm glad you found the post and the questions within interesting to think about!! :D Your answers are really cool and interesting! And it's interesting to think about writing "at the best of times" vs other periods too... 🤔 I'll have to consider if/how that changes my answers, too!!

I like the way my writing ends up being a capsule of time and also what I'm interested in at a given time.

That's also a very good point. I can see what kind of problems I was working through at a given time depending on the story... and that's why I also think some stories can only be written at a certain time. At some point, I've changed too much or already figured out an answer.

It's cool you've been able to jump from AO3 directly to Dreamwidth for friend-making :D I usually made the jump to Tumblr or Discord haha. (Tumblr DMs showed their limits pretty quickly though.)

I have made friends through ships (and there is that fun "ohh, this is your AO3 account? here's mine, let's swap" where we maybe read through each other's fic and hopefully like it xD)

Do you mean through a Discord server? Where is the starting point, that the next step is "here's my AO3"??

mostly what's sustained fandom friendships for me has been being interested in each other and our experiences

I suppose it is the same for me, here on Dreamwidth 🤔 Maybe a couple of times going from a Discord server to DMs too but that can be a tough transition to make, and synchronous expectations to actually get to know people first are a bit more difficult to manage lately.

Your h/c one-shots are so inspiring!! I hope you are having as much fun and creative energy as you seem to be, because it's genuinely been inspirational to watch.

Awww, thank you! It's been really really good for the writing energy, though I'm still having to manage a ton of negative self-talk around sharing which maybe I'll write another post about at some point... 😂🙄

Really appreciate you sharing your thoughts and insights!! :D <3 Giving me even more food for thought... the cycle of life of Dreamwidth posts and replies XD

[mistressofmuses]

I'm glad writing is going well!

I am with you in finding a lack of reaction the most upsetting when I'm strugglign to write and wondering why I do it at all. When I think about "well, maybe I just don't enjoy this and should stop doing it entirely" and just... don't feel any kind of way about it, that seems like a bad sign all around!

I do also think it's fair to look at what you're getting from that writing, and what it's fair to expect. Some people DO want their writing to pay the bills... but that WILL change your relationship to the process and the product itself, and that's also something to be aware of, and removes it from the hobby sphere. (That pressure to monetize all your hobbies is very real, but also remains very frustrating.)

I'm glad you're finding ways to get what you're seeking, even if it can't all come from one source.

[vriddy]

Thank you, it feels really really good to get back into the writing habit after the drought!!

Yeah, all decisions are fine as long as people walk into them with open eyes... It's tough!

Thank you for the good wishes! :)

[bluegreenwhirlywindy]

I've been chewing this post over since you posted it. And, you know, it's actually really weird that this first sentence (<- that one, before the full stop, that you just read xD) was actually the start of the first draft for a comment I had made some weeks back already. At that point, I would have congratulated you for gaining the insights into your writing motives that you did as well as for the insights into how to fill the needs that exist in alternative ways when writing is not the best method to do so (as I find that part the most difficult to achieve), while quietly lamenting that even though I had surprising revelations about my own writing motives and the needs behind it all in the past already, that step was still solely lacking.

Then life got in the way, I wasn't able to complete writing that response, but I think I did come back here once or twice to read your post over, sometimes trying to continue writing my response and sometimes not... And things - like thoughts about my writing - marinated some more in the back of my mind. And now I can say that I have actually gotten some more surprising and important insight and feel like my relationship to fandom and writing has passed through another important step in development. It's not that I can point at a certain part of your post and say "this resonated especially with me, giving me a new insight" or a similar direct cause-and-effect relationship... But I am certain that this post of yours was an important puzzle piece in the process in some form, so I want to thank you for writing and sharing it for others to contemplate. :D <3

[vriddy]

Few things make me happier than knowing one of my posts could result in an insight or unlock something helpful for someone reading it. I'm glad this one could resonate, and thank you for taking a moment to share this, too :) To better self-understanding and ever-evolving processes!! \o/